A new year A new life?

I know I am a month into the new year already but I am still not sure what my new years resolution is. I finally have an appointment on April 24th with the doctors at Emory hospital in Atlanta. These doctors run the best neurology center in the south east. On the 24th I am seeing general neurology to see if I need to see an epilepsy specialist or a movement disorder specialist. So this is where the non decision comes into play. Since June I have seen a total of three different neurologists and all three have given me three different diagnosis. The first told me that they are tremors and this is some kind of movement disorder. The second told me that it was an allergic reaction to a medication interaction. The last one told me that they were suedo seizures and that it was my bodies way of dealing with the stress of life. (The last one threw me for a loop because at this point in my life I really don't have any stress. Like I told the doctor you think growing up with a drug addict mother, finding out your daughter has a brain tumor or watching you husband almost die would have caused these a long time ago. Now the Closet Redneck and I seem to be at the happiest point in our marriage. Our kids are happy and healthy as they are going to be so how does that work!!!) This is when I found out about The movement disorder clinic at Emory Hospital.

So what does this have to do with waiting for a new years resolution? Well I need to see what the doctors say in April so I can see how I am going to live my life. Do I continue to fight this to get my old life back and head to medical school OR do I accept that I can no longer drive and that I have to find a different way to be the most amazing mother and wife. I may have to consider changing my degree to something I can get online. Either way I have pulled myself out of the depression and realized I have to much to live for!!!

While I am in LIMBO I have been the best wife to my closet redneck. I hate watching him with all the stress and the weight of my world on his shoulders. I even feel like he is caring more of the parental weight now too, I just don't want to see him worn out and get sick again. As for my job a mother of the year I am more like momzilla of the year. Things my children's elementary school and in the school system are awful and I am on a full fledged rampage to change it!!

During this time god a brought me some amazing new friends. Momma and her husband the craftsmen. They have three amazing children!! Then there is the Texas rose (as you know these are nicknames!) Momma was the first to befriend me after I got sick. We met because out two oldest children were in the same class last year. Then I met the Texas  rose through Momma. She is the Texas rose because she is young and is your A typical Texan! As for the Craftsman I call him this because he is crafty and creates many wonderful things. He is also intellectually crafty! Momma and her kids recently moved to Arizona and it is KILLING me. we had gotten really really close. The frog prince and the princess had also gotten close to her and her kids. The school system was so bad here that the Craftsman sent them home with family. 

Well you see what I am up against this year. For me this year could set the tone on which path to take for the rest of my life. I have never come to such a dominate fork in the road of my life before. I am hoping that it is still gives me an obvious choice of paths after my appointment. 

Till then I will try to keep blogging!

Seizures/depression

The end of June I started having pseudo seizures. This was caused by a medical interaction. A doctor prescribed me a medication I should never have taken with two of my other medications. things were bad for a month or two. I was having 28 seizures a day. The children and I had to move in with my mother inlaw. I saw how much pressure it but on the princess. I am back home now and things have started to get better. I am down to about 3 seizures a day. I have had a few seizure free days. However, last week showed me that things can change in a second. For three nights I was having at least 10 seizures. They occurred one after another after another. It wore my body out so bad. Today I think it is all just getting to me mentally. I feel so overwhelmed. I have been forgetting things, I'm exhausted and I am in pain. The seizures don't help with my back pain and fibro. Today is a day I want to stay in my room so my family doesn't feel the effects of my emotions. I being depressed. I am ready to go to bed and start over. I always pray that I wake up and the sun will bring and amazing day...lets hope!

A moment can change everything

The start if it all...from the day that changed everything to the journey/fight I have now! Deuteronmy 29:3 King James The great trials which your eyes have seen, the signs, and those great miracles. I am not sure if my life is a fight or a new start. Do I fight to get back my old life or do I embrace what I consider a punishment more than a trial. On June 7th my life changed for ever. I remember having a headache in the front of my head. As I was walking out of my bedroom I remember blacking out. I had just started a new medication: I started the medication Savella for my fibromyalgia. The Closet Redneck's description of the episode: I fell to the floor and started shaking my eyes rolled into the back of my head. At this point I really thought I got light headed and blacked out. The Closet Redneck strongly implied I had a seizure. I didn't want to believe it. I did not go to the hospital immediately. In my head I feared something was wrong but admitting it out loud meant that the problem existed. I remember saying it is no big deal but had that gut feeling I was gravely wrong. As the night progressed it got worse I started having this shaking. I was starting to worry that it was a reaction to the medication Savella. I had only been on it a few days and I was on 50mg twice a day. I call my doctors office and spoke to the nurse. She said to stop the medication immediately and give it some time. So I proceeded to see my psychologist. (I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist to deal with childhood abandonment, anxiety and panic attacks.) At this point in my life emotionally I was doing great. My anxiety was under control and my panic attacks were less frequent. I was dealing with controlling my social anxiety and becoming a stronger woman! On this day my appointment went much differently. I choose to still take this appointment because the shaking was making me anxious and the appointment I thought could provide me with a way to mentally deal with it. The Closet Redneck drove me to the appointment because I was shaking more frequently. He is my rock and just being next to me I feel safer and stronger. I keep no secrets from my husband so I openly invited him into the appointment. As we sit on the couch my shaking continues to get worse. My therapist, whom knows me well is extremely worried. She is concerned that this medication should never have been give with the anxiety medication Lexapro that I am on. She calls the doctor that prescribed the Sevella and tells the office I need to be seen NOW! I am sent to see the prescribing doctor. When I arrive I am in so much pain from the shaking. I am blacking out at points and I am starting to have memory laps. I am brought directly back to a room and the doctor comes in. He says your having a seizure. He calls in a nurse to give me a sedative. This is the same nurse that does the iv sedative before my spinal injections. The sedative is high does and I am unconscious. As I am fading out I hear them calling for an ambulance. Next I hear can you tell me your name. I am barely able to mumble out the words the nurse is asking for. I hear her ask what I am there for she implies drug abuse. I rember mumbling some kind of interjection and I know it was not nice. The paramedic then tells the nurse they are not sure if I had a reaction to a medication but the Doctor who sent her witnessed her having a seizure. Then the shaking starts again and I black out. When I come to again I am in Emergency department room at the medical center. The Closet Redneck is there holding my hand. He tells me the doctor had been giving me benedryl and it would work for a short time then the shaking would start up again. He also said he fought for me to be admitted and evaluated by a neurologist. In this heart he did not believe that it was just shaking he felt as though I was having seizures. (We both have witnessed many many seizures before, my 22 year old brother has been diagnosed epileptic his entire life. Also our 5 year old daughter was diagnosed at two with a seizure disorder. It is one thing to watch someone go through a seizure  and feel helpless; however, to sit there and feel your body seize and be helpless is another. The strange thing at this point in my head I remember nothing; however, my amazing husband remembers that journaling Each day continued to get better but the problem didn't go away. So now the question is will this be for the rest of my life. Is there a way to fight this or do I give in and accept that my life with NEVER be the same?

eyes eyes eyes

So today I took the princess to the eye specialest. In nov she saw her eye doc and he prescribed glasses. He also sent her to a specialest because without glasses shen could not see outt of her right eye at all. The frog prince has a lot of the family inherited eye problems. Due to his eye muscles the frog prince's right eye has also shut down. We have been working for over a year to try to regain his stie and still have not gotten him to the point i want him at. Now princess is having sight problems. I am praying she doesnt have to do the eye patching the frog prince had to.

Well today some prayers were answered. The princess has a stigmatizm not problems with her eye muscles. Now with her glasses the specialest said she has PERFECT vision. Yayaya.

Next month we go back for the frog prince and see how his new glasses are helping.

Special thanks to Dr. Curran at west georgia eye care in columbus and specialest Dr. Degal with west ga eye care and emory hospital in atlanta georgia

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NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS!!

res·o·lu·tion (rz-lshn)n.

1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.

2. A resolving to do something.

3. A course of action determined or decided on.

This year I have many resolutions.. I think this is because internally I feel so unreloved! The first one is to BLOG MORE... I wonder how many people have that one. The others are personal goals to better my life and family.

NOT IN ANY OBTAINING ORDER
* Continue to work on my educations... doctorate here I come
*BLOG MORE (I did say that already)
* Be the best mom and wife I can
* Start to control my anxiety and panic SOME WAY!!!

There are other little things like get the house in order, read specif books or do things but to me those are goals not resolutions. The things I listed above are the things that have me so unsettled!

MY EDUCATION
Not to brag but I am a great student I keep my grades up and stay on task. I currently have two associates degrees. One in health care management and the other in pharmacy practice. I graduated with a 3.98 gpa. My education has me unsettled because of the princess. currently we are living around family but none that really can help. I am at the point in my education where I can no longer take all online courses. I have to go in class. As you know the princess has medical problems. She has many doctors appointment but lately thing have gotten worse! She is in school for the first time this years and catch everything that goes around. The doctors are worried about her immune system. Also she started having abdominal pain and the doctors can not find the cause. It is awful to see her 3 and 4 times a week doubled over in pain and not know why. How am I going to commit to a full set of class with all of this going on. What has me settled the most is this could go on for the rest of her life what do I do? There are some secret plans going on that I will post at a later time. I pray those go though these people would be my angles!

THE BEST MOM AND WIFE I CAN BE
The frog prince and the princess have gone off to school so now I have to learn to be a different kind of mom. I immediately signed up for the pta (that has been a bit of a disaster! LOL) and I am in the classes as much as I can be (with out disrupting them) I really HATE that they are in school. I hate that the largest % of their time another person is guiding and molding their little minds. As they are in school I sit at home waiting to be needing. Also they have developed little attitudes with their developing personalities. Discipline children is A LOT different then toddlers. For the Frog Prince structured days and constant repartition seems to help. As for the Princess she can be a wild child!!! She has this personality that we call the witch!! She will even tell you that she is being that witch. it gets to the point where we give her her time out and ask her to please send the witch away and bring back our baby girl. We don't like how your witch attitude treats mommy and daddy. That is helping some. In all honestly they are spoiled.. the princess the most grrr.

As for being a better wife. The Closet Red Neck and I will have been together a decade this august! I want to spice up our marriage some and start dating each other again!! We are making an effort to put our marriage on the front burner. Since the babies were born romance was not the first thing that came to mind!

Lastly....
Start to control my anxiety and panic SOME WAY!!!
I have had anxiety since I was a small child and it has only gotten worse of the years. the child hood I had was anything but peachy. My therapist and I are digging deep to heal wounds I have left open and festering for a long time. I have been in therapy since I was a child and on meds since I was a teen. I Started having panic attacks when I was about 14. They get to bad that I pass out. People have said I look as though I am convulsing but the doc said my body just shuts down because I can't handle it. When the Closet Red Neck came into my life he helped me (with a therapist) get them under control. After that I went years with out panic and having control over my anxiety. Then the princess got sick. The day I found out they came back and have only gotten worse. I now have a team established to help me find a way to control them. So far no meds therapy or love have helped. THEY CONTROL MY LIFE

Now you see the deck I am starting the year out with. In my opinion I don't have a great hand but there is a lot of potential. As a goal I will keep you posted!!!

Day before the princess' MRI follow up

As I sit on the couch I watch The princess play with the new kitchen she has gotten for her birthday. I am so scared and my mine is racing. I don't show this fear to her. I repetitively tell her I love her and where my mommy loves you smile. I jut keep praying that the results of tomorrows MRI are good. I just want to be able to take her home and enjoy three more months before the next MRI. It is the scariest feeling in the world to find out that your child has a brain tumor. (no matter what kind). We are lucky that it was not cancer and that it is a grade I. However it is still scary. The stats keep running in my head. Only 70% of children with this type of brain tumor survive. Each day I watch her for changes and prep for that day that it may physical effect her. I am so scare to find he having a seizure or something. We are in the process of moving while all of this is going on. The closet red neck has orders to fort Benning Ga and we have purchased a home in Alabama. What sold us on the house is the big yard for the kids. I am so glad we were able to stay in GA for The Princess. How many prayers does it take for a miracle. Do we have enough? God bless and thank you to all those who are sending love and prayers.

Tired of being an air force wife.

They say the air force wife has the hardest job in the military and I agree. There are some days that I am so thankful for the Air Force, today is not one of them. I am tired of being givin the run around for medical treatment and being refered off because no one wantes to deal with my issue. I think it is pretty said when you see 5 doctors and not one can figure out what is wrong with you. Sorry just needing to vent!